Verbal Abuse Disguised As A Joke

Abuse disguised as a joke is a form of verbal abuse. This kind of abuse is not done in jest. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph. The abuse never seems funny because it isn't funny.

Example 1:

Jack: "Gee Jill, you're getting fatter every day, ha ha ha!"

Jill: "I didn't think that was funny."

Jack: "You just can't take a joke!"

Example 2:

Jack: "Boy! You watch some stupid movies."

Jill: "I don't like it when you refer to the movies I watch as stupid."

Jack: "You're just trying to start an argument."

Just because your mate responds with anger, do not believe that "you took it wrong." Don't waste your time wondering if there is something wrong with your sense of humor. There isn't anything wrong with your sense of humor or with you. The brainwashing effects of verbal abuse cannot be over-emphasized.

Following are comments which a verbal abuser will describe as a joke:

- You need a keeper!

- Boy! Are you easily entertained!

- What else can you expect from a woman?

- You couldn't find your head if wasn't attached.

An abuser may also startle or frighten his partner, after which he will laugh as if it were a joke.

In order to respond to this form of abuse, it is helpful to know that he has put you down because he thinks doing so will put him up so to speak.

Don't try to explain to him what wasn't funny about the joke. Don't try to explain to him the kinds of jokes that you find humorous. Don't try to explain to him the kinds of jokes that you don't find humorous and would like him not to say to you. Don't ask him what he meant or why he said it. Don't spend time wondering if he understood how it sounded even if he's acting like it sounded funny to him. Don't spend time wondering why you can't laugh at the wit, or lack of wit.

Any time you are put down, disparged, denigrated, or ridiculed, or just don't like what you're hearing try responding emphatically with "Now that you have said that (put me down) (interrupted me) (laughed at me), do you feel more important?"

Then disengage. Leave the room so he can think about it. Don't carry on any discussion. You might say, "I don't want to talk about it." or "I'll get back to you later" if he continues to challenge you.