Caring for others is always stressful. For those caring for elderly parents or for children with disabilities, there will come times when the strain seems to become unbearable. When this happens, not only are you putting your own physical and mental health at risk, but in your stress and fatigue, you may drop your guard and say or do things you might later regret. Here are seven steps or suggestions for dealing with your stress.
1. Walk Away
Know your triggers. If a conversation about global warming, consumerism, or the trash crisis in the U.S. is overwhelming you, simply excuse yourself. If you're noise-sensitive and the scene at your local mega-mart makes you want to throw bags of frozen food and cans of Ensure across the store, tell your companions you need a time-out. (Bring along your husband or a friend so you can leave your elderly parent safely, if need be.) My wife knows her trigger points, and if a conversation or setting is getting close to her, she simply puts one foot in front of another, and departs. This is much better than my usual response, which is to put my mouth in gear.
2. Close Your Eyes
Gently let the world disappear, and go within to regain your equilibrium. Ever since my long stay in intensive care several years ago, with all of their machines, tubes and monitors, I've become aware of how important shutting our eyes is to the health of the nervous system. Sometimes, it just helps to close out the world for a few minutes. Just make sure you aren't driving or otherwise need to be aware of what is going on around you.
Also, be aware of who is watching as some dementia suffers are triggered into rage when they believe they are being ignored. You want to know when a fist may be coming your way.
3. Find Some Solitude
This can be challenging if you are at work, or at home with kids as creative and energetic as mine. However, we all need some private time to let the nervous system regenerate. My fishing is my solitude. My autistic son loves to go with me and I enjoy his company. However, there are just some times when a guy needs to be alone, just me and the fish! Thankfully, my wife understands this and can explain it to our son.
Be creative. Find your space. Any way you can. You may want to create a "retreat" space in your own home. One friend caring for a demanding parent put a chair in her laundry room and would retreat there and shut the door. I have no info on whether she packed a lunch or not.
4. Go Outside
This is a true lifesaver for me. I need to be outside for at least an hour every day to get my sanity fix. Granted, I am fortunate to have a career that allows for some flexibility. However, there are ways to cope. Again, my wife, that wise, beautiful woman, has created a space on the deck where she can enjoy her morning coffee, read her Bible and pray. I suspect she is praying that grumpy will sleep late that morning, but that is her secret. I know this was a secret to her sanity when she had the double chore of raising our autistic son and meeting the demands of her father when he lived with us.
Even if I'm not fishing or gardening, being outside calms me in a way that hardly anything else can. With an hour of nature, I go from being a bossy, opinionated, angry, cynical, uptight person into a bossy, opinionated, cynical, relaxed person.
5. Find Some Water
The mood effects of water are universal, and how somehow, very healing. "Water helps in many ways," writes Elaine Aron. "When over aroused, keep drinking it--a big glass of it once an hour. Walk beside some water, look at it, and listen to it. Get into some if you can, for a bath or a swim. Hot tubs and hot springs are popular for good reasons."
My son experiences periods of moodiness and irritability related to his disabilities. We noticed in middle childhood how his mood and affect changed through the course of a shower. We have grown to love his off-key and often inventive singing while he showers. We have also learned to live with high water bills and lots of dirty towels, but it helps him and us. No wonder the phrase "hit the showers" is so popular in athletics. Have you thought about why one of the most sought-after amenities in a new home is a garden or Jacuzzi tub?
6. Breathe Deeply
Breathing is the foundation of sanity. Respiration (breathing to you non-medical types) is the way we provide our brain and every other vital organ in our body with the oxygen needed us to survive. Breathing also eliminates toxins from our systems.
Dr. Andrew Weil, a University of Arizona physician and popular natural-medicine author, has long advocated a "four-square" breathing exercise that instructs patients to inhale for a four-count, then hold the breath for four, exhale for four and hold again for four. Learning the "Four Square" method of breathing may help you to reduce anxiety and frustrations when caring for children and the elderly.
1. Breathe in slowly to a count of four.
2. Hold the breath for a count of four.
3. Exhale slowly through pursed lips to a count of four.
4. Rest for a count of four (without taking any breaths).
5. Take two normal breaths.
6. Start over again with number one.
7. Listen to Music
Research has shown that music with a strong beat can stimulate brainwaves to resonate in sync with the beat, with faster beats bringing sharper concentration and more alert thinking, and a slower tempo promoting a calm, meditative state. Moreover, research has also found that the change in brainwave activity levels that music can bring can also enable the brain to shift speeds more easily on its own as needed, which means that music can bring lasting benefits to your state of mind, even after you've stopped listening.
One of our favorite stories is of our son, then 10, running through the house dripping wet and stark naked singing at the top of his lungs, "What A Mighty God We Serve!" Another true story is the success we had in helping him to focus on his homework and other tasks by playing Beethoven in the background. My wife, the music major and my son's best advocate, says there is something to the "four beats per measure" common to Ludwig von B's music.
Whatever works for you, take care of yourself. You have been given a gift in the responsibility of caring for someone else. Cherish it, but prepare yourself and be aware of what and when your buttons are being pushed. Blessings.
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