When my mother began having falls and was having difficulty remembering to take her numerous medications three times a day, we discussed the idea of an assisted living facility. My mother and I spent several days checking out various places and she was put on a list for three of the ones she liked the best. And then she settled back and thought she probably had about two years before she'd have to leave her home. But the call came in just three months time.
My mother was strong-willed and extremely independent. She dug in her heels and decided that it was too soon. But it was her favorite place because it was less than one year old and offered an on-the-premise grocery store. We went to visit it again and after meeting some of the people who lived there and the staff, she agreed. Until it came time to pack up her things and then she dug in her heels again.
And that's when guilt came again to weigh heavily on my shoulders. My feelings of ambivalence jumped to the fore. Was it really for the best? Was she going to feel abandoned? When our elderly parents are least able to do things for themselves, they are expected to meet new people, make new friends, get used to a new environment and become accustomed to new ways of doing things. Admittedly, it is a difficult challenge for them but there are often few other viable options available.
On the one hand we know that it is the best solution because they will get better medical care, there are more social opportunities, they are closely monitored and the facility has the means to take better care of your elderly loved one than you can. And also when we remember that the decision-making abilities of the elderly are not as good as they once were, we know it is the best thing to do.
But knowing that doesn't stop us from feeling we're not doing as much as we should be doing. We suffer with feelings of inadequacy, guilt over not making as many phone calls as they would like us to make, trying to get them to do what they don't want to do, i.e.: drink more fluids or eat more fruit, or things like doing chores for my mother while on a visit. She did not consider it a visit even when I had spent several hours chatting with her while I was working.
As the only daughter and the one who took her to her appointments, did her chores and looked after her, I was also the one who bore the brunt of her anger. Her anger and frustration always left me feeling as if I hadn't done enough for her. This led to extreme feelings of guilt. Could I do more? But often I wasn't sure what was expected of me.
Added to that was my mother's fear of dementia which led to more anger when her memory failed. But when I took her to a Gerontologist doctor who suggested medication, it just fueled her anger. The burden seemed to be on me to help her feel better but I didn't know how because I agreed with the doctor that she should have medication.
My mother has since passed away. With much soul searching I have decided that I had done the best I could with what I had available to me. I do believe the assisted living facility was good for her. And on her good days, she loved it there and was very happy with the staff and her surroundings.
For those who are going through this difficult situation and have feelings of guilt riding on their shoulders, it is very helpful to talk to others who are dealing with the same situation. I believe there are few of us who do not at some time or another feel guilty with decisions that have been forced upon us when caring for our elderly parents. If we know that we are doing the best we can, we can do no more.
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