In a discussion over aging parents and relatives, my friend indicated that angry responses from aging adults are natural. I thought about it for a bit and wondered why. It seems the anger issues arise from their frustration of having to allow others to make some choices for them. But why?
As children we are expected to make no choices, in fact, we get very few. As adults, most of the time, we'd give our left testicle to be able to let others make our choices for us on those days when choices become too much. So, what is so difficult when we are overwhelmed with choices, with allowing others to make some of those choices for us? Why would we be so angry?
When my mother needed medical care she couldn't deal with on her own, she called me. I answered that call, by contacting the medical people she requested and making those appointments for her. The more I accepted those responsibilities for her, the angrier she got.
At one point, I'd over heard her talking to my sister - at least I thought that's who she'd been talking to. I wondered if my sister was doing okay, or if they'd talked about her next procedure, thinking it would be nice to know what they'd discussed. So, I asked. She became extremely angry and started listing off every phone call she'd made for the past several hours. I hadn't asked for an accounting of her calls, but simply about one call. Her anger became the center of the conversation and rather than continue the discussion, I just stopped talking. Eventually, she stopped focusing on the anger and ended her rampage to continue reading a book she'd brought from home. After several minutes, she raged at me, "I guess I'll just have to stop calling anyone if you're screening my calls now too."
My sigh of frustration must have caught her off guard because she got up and left the room.
My frustration is due to memories of her older sister responding in the same way to any questions we asked of her. I have no intention or desire to screen her calls. She has full access to the phone and any calls she chooses to make are fully available to her. That hadn't been my point or my idea, but rather hers. ?
In each decision, I've encouraged her to choose the day and time, and most of the procedural choices when she understood them. Even when she didn't understand the procedures, I encouraged her to ask questions or talk to me about them. The choices were still hers, but she'd shrug and say, "I don't know what to do, just make the choice for me." Then she'd add... "You will anyway."
When others asked about her attitude, I'd try to explain away her anger as a sleepless night, or even just frustration over her current health issues, but ultimately, I wondered. When I asked her Doctors and other medical staff, they assured me, angry responses from aging patients are natural. They didn't choose to grow old, it was forced upon them.
Perhaps that's the answer.
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