Assisted Living Facility Executive Director Answers Important Questions for Seniors and Families

KH: What mistakes do families make when they start to talk about moving mom or dad into a facility?

Margie Veis: One of the biggest mistakes I see is plenty of kids know their parent is not safe at home, but they want to give the parent control.

Children typically tell me conversations with their parents go something like this: When I ask, "Mom, do you want to move to an assisted living?" "No." "Okay. Well, my mom doesn't want to move." Or "My dad won't move."

Well, are there safety issues?, I ask. "Yeah, there are many safety issues, and I'm not sleeping at night because I worry, and I have to go over there everyday, but my dad doesn't want to move and I can't make him." Or "My dad says it's too much money. He doesn't want to come here. My dad said: "I can still do it at home."

Many of our parents grew up in the depression. When they hear these numbers - because it's thousands of dollars - that's outrageous to them. Some of them are still thinking they can get a gallon of gas for 25 cents. Why in the world would they spend thousands of dollars to live here when they have a home?

You can't always let your parent be the parent. Sometimes you have to step in.

KH: How can families step in?

MV: Sometimes you can get a doctor involved. Sometimes you can say: "You know what mom, I need you to try this for me. We're not going to sell your house. You're going to live here for a month and try it. If you don't like it then we could move you back." Sometimes they're not going to move. Then you need to look at other alternatives - that could be in home care.

If it's really a bad situation, as hard as it would be you might have to call adult protective services and say: "This is not a safe setting for my parents. They're going to burn the house down. They're going to wander out into the street and get hit by a car. They're going to take the car and kill somebody. I can't do this myself, so you know what? I need to get an outside agency involved. I don't know what to do."

That's the absolute worst case scenario and last resort but that's what it can come down to sometimes.

KH: I remember taking mom's car keys away. It was one of the toughest things we ever did.

Margie Veis: I agree.

I've had that discussion with my mom a few times. We're not at that point yet but we started a dialogue and I think it's important as children to be having dialogues with our parents. "Do you have things set up? You're aging. I want to make sure that when the times comes and we have to do something that it's planned out and hopefully we're going to do it before it's a crisis."

If you can see that mom's unsteady and things are happening and she's not taking care of herself: her hygiene is not enough, she's not eating right, she's not getting out, or she's driving when she shouldn't, you need to be having that conversation and not waiting until it's a crisis and then something bad has happened.