Can I Make My Mom Happy?

I had an email once from a Jewish family whose elderly mother had moved from Brooklyn to Florida.

"Our mother doesn't seem to be enjoying Florida. Her former friends ignore her and won't spend time with her. She's very upset. We're thinking of bringing her to Israel to live in an assisted living home near us. Do you think she'll be happy here?"

The question of a parent's happiness is one that troubles good children. When they think about what would work for their mother or father in old age, they wonder about the happiness factor. That's because they're considerate adults who want happiness for that parent.

My answer to that email was to ask what capacity had their mother shown for happiness so far in her life. Being happy, or not, is only partially to do with circumstances. It tends also to be deeply connected with each person's generosity of spirit, lack of resentment and general willingness to deal with the difficulties of life.

If your elderly parent has shown a general tendency in life to embrace happiness, contentment, warm relationships with others and a non-blaming attitude, the chances are good that your good choices in care will help restore temporarily-disrupted happiness.

If your parent has tended not to be particularly happy in general throughout your life, this is likely to continue. In fact, perhaps unfairly, I tend to assume that when someone asks me if an action would make their parent happy, the answer is almost bound to be "No."

That's because asking that question suggests to me their parent habitually is not happy. So how do we choose a good setting for our parent's old age? Consider the following.

Five Home Possibilities:
1. Living with you;
2. Living next door to you;
3. Living in independent-yet-sheltered housing;
4. Living elsewhere, with a care-manager or friend overseeing;
5. Living in assisted living.

Never feel guilty about not taking a parent home with you. Let's face it, you know how they are. So you know whether their presence helps your happiness, let alone theirs.

Don't make the mistake of taking a parent into your house but continuing to live a largely absent uninvolved lifestyle. That almost guarantees unhappiness, because they'll be lonely.

Besides which, frankly, you flatter yourself if you think your presence will be enough to keep your parents happy. No, they want a life like the life they want. It's probably slower. It involves a different culture, music, food, activities. Even if they like their grandchildren, they may not do well with their lifestyle all around them.

I'm not saying old people should live apart. Not at all. Over my years as a caregiver to elders, however, I have learned the comfort they get from their way of living. I was always pretty much against generational separation. Now I do see that there is a generational comfort level going on when people have shared similar times and similar history.

If you make the move to bring your parents into your own home, be sure they can mix with other elders and that you are clear about maintaining your own lifestyle. If that prospect doesn't lift your heart to think about, then don't even think about doing it.

Consider possibilities 3, 4 and 5 instead. Don't make your parents' happiness your goal. Make their safety, health and welfare your target.

Leave happiness to them to sort out. That is, after all, their responsibility.