That is always a wonderful thing to hear out of a resident's mouth, especially in the middle of a tour. I am, of course, being sarcastic. However it is pretty common. And rightfully so. We all think we've done our mom a wonderful justice by helping her move into an assisted living where she is getting the care she needs and is safe 24/7. That is always the intention, doing what is best for our loved one. So why would they feel this way? Well there could be many reasons but mostly it's the amount of change and how rapidly it happens.
The truth is they probably do hate it. Nobody ever imagines themselves to "end up" in an assisted living requiring help with caring for themselves. Let alone being cared for by strangers! They are grieving the loss of a home, their independence, their identity and dignity. That's not even mentioning their dream of how their "golden years" would be. I always tell families give them 90 days to adjust, especially if they are resistant at all to moving into assisted living.
The first 30 days you will get phone calls about everything from how awful dinner was to the crazy old man she saw in the hallway. And OH THE NOISE! "I hate it here, get me out of here." There will be complaints about the staff and how they do things or don't do things. It's an adjustment she is going from living alone or with you to living with 70 strangers. If your loved one needs any assistance with care, these first 30 days are so tough. Imagine having a stranger help you toilet, or shower. Of course they hate it. Change is difficult for everyone, but even more so for the elderly.
Usually by day 45 the phone calls to you are less and she is relying on us more for care. By this time mom has gotten to know the care staff and has finally settled in with her table mates. She has made some friends but she still wants to go home. She is "feeling much better now"and believes she can handle things at home again. You see she is doing so much better indeed. So you begin to think maybe going back home isn't such a bad idea. STOP RIGHT THERE. Why do you think she's doing better? Could it be because she is getting three meals a day, her medications are given in a timely consistent manner, and her apartment is being cleaned weekly? That would be a giant YES! Now is a good time to gently remind mom of that and if you need help ask a trusted staff member to help you with that conversation.
By day 90 there is usually no longer discussion about going "home" because she feels she is there. She knows the staff and their routines, she has friends and is involved in activities. Sometimes I even here "why didn't we do this sooner?"
The only time this isn't the case is with loved one's who have some sort of cognitive impairment. Change is particularly hard for people with dementia or the like. I encourage families to try their hardest to recreate the most familiar space to their loved one. Sometimes it's that simple. Sometimes it's a fight tooth and nail and when that happens we have to talk about possible relocation to a secure memory unit, especially if their loved one is going to leave the building to "go home". We never really know the degree of people's dementia or inability to care for themselves until they move into an assisted living. People are really good about hiding their inability to care for themselves or how much they don't remember, especially in their own environments.
In closing, the worst thing you can do for everyone involved is panic and second guess yourself. Remember there are two sides to every story and because she is telling you she hates it here there is a good possibility that she's exaggerating. Also remember she is your mother and she knows how to play the guilt card. She is telling you how she hates is meanwhile she is telling everyone else she loves it. That happens so many times. The best thing you can do is re direct her to call the care staff to take care of her needs. She has to be able to form a relationship of trust with the staff. I am not by any means saying to ignore your mother's complaints. I am just asking you to please don't expect the worst. You too have to trust us or else this relationship is not going to work.
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