"My sisters/brothers don't lift a finger; I do everything for dad!" and "My mother's become my child!" Common cries among adult children caring for elderly parents at home. I ask in return, "Why are you the caregiver?" It's an admirable job; after all they raised you and loved you as you were growing up; now it's your turn. Or is It? Why only you and not your siblings? Is there another way to care for them and still show your love? There is a high incidence of caregivers' health failing before their loved one goes.
It is a stressful job. It's often a 10 hr/day, 7 day/wk job, if not 24/7, without breaks, days off, vacations, or even pay. It is one that involves chef and shopper, chauffeur, self-care manager, social events and appointment scheduler, bath aide, nursing attendant, laundress, companion, financial manager, and.... Then mom complains because you don't do right. And that's just your job with her. What about your own life?
When siblings stop by to visit they see the two of you sitting there saying "everything is fine". Or they hear you complain, but see that everything looks in order and mom tells them she is "fine". From their point of view it looks like a pretty cushy job; how hard can it be staying at home all day?
These issues can lead to family strife and conflicts that permeate throughout the rest of your lives.
The "50-50 rule" developed by Home Instead Senior Care network refers to the age when most people start planning for, or are caring for elderly parents, as well as the necessity of sharing that care among family members. Remember, the jobs get more complex as your loved one declines.
1. Plan ahead. Who is best suited and most willing to be the primary caregiver. Consider your relationship with your parent and with your own family. All family members including your parent should be a part of these discussions, as well as share the care.
2. Divide the duties: what's needed and who can take it on? Can the money-savvy sister take on the bills and banking? And handle insurance issues? Who can take mom to the doctor, drop her off at the senior center, grocery shop, or pick up prescriptions?
3. Food preparation: can a sister or other family member prepare meals ready to eat or for the freezer several times a week of month?
4. Care for the primary caregiver: who can spend the day, or weekend with dad to give her a break? If not family members, is there a student aspiring to be a nurse, or a retired nurse/caregiver at the church? No one can be expected to do a 24/7 job, especially one this stressful.
5. Outside resources: who will contact the senior center or other organizations to find out about activities, services, and senior lunches? An outing for your parent a couple of times a week, or every day will give the primary caregiver a few hours break to handle his/her own life. And check out respite care and caregiver support groups when the going gets tough.
6. Reduce the risk for falls: modify the house for safety by using a room-by-room safety checklist (see a comprehensive one in the book Dad's Home Alone); provide grab bars, shower seat, and a high toilet or raised toilet seat, for bathroom safety. Don't forget a medical alert pendant or wristband. In case of a fall help is just a press-of-the button away. Falls can't be prevented. Gravity is the same whether in a nursing home, at home, or standing next to a loved one.
Remember, elderly people, just like you and me, want to remain as independent as possible. Respect who they are and make sure your parent weighs in on the decisions. But also, know that they may not be as realistic about their safety and care needs. You are there as their safety net, not their "parent".
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