We can rest assured that despite headlines in the media, most of our loved ones will be well-cared for in a nursing home or other home-care residence.
This was not the case for my husband and me.
Family members struggle with the guilt of having to place a loved one or question whether or not they made the right decision. When abuse or neglect rears its ugly head, family members are thrust into a tailspin of worry, stress, and despair.
Only twelve hours after we placed my father, he disappeared from the secure skilled nursing home. Frightened, I was already aware of loved ones wandering off and later found dead; some within a half-mile.
On the day he was admitted, my father left the facility among a handful of visitors. Wandering the roads on that cold February night, he was lost some 2,000 miles away from "home." According to the Sheriff's report, a Samaritan spotted a lone man ambling along the freeway in the Mojave Desert. When he stopped to inquire, he learned that my father was trying to go home to Milwaukee.
When we met the administrator at her office that night, the first words out of her mouth were, "I don't know if we can keep your father here."
"What? After all the questions we asked to ensure his safety and their ability to care for a wanderer? Not even an apology? He could have died! How dare you be so insensitive!"
The next several weeks (it felt more like a year) found us ensnared in a nightmare involving attorneys, the ombudsman, and threats. I emphasized my need to hear them admit their mistake. In my mind, this was less about a lawsuit, which they were afraid of, and more about motivating them to review and follow their carefully designed procedures. Because there was no other suitable place nearby at this time, I saw this as my father's sole living option.
Undoubtedly, advised by their attorney, they never admitted any wrongdoing. I still kept after them on following procedures. Over time, our confrontational wounds began to heal and my father remained.
I feared my father might be abused.
When incidences like this occur, it is best to stay involved. As uncomfortable as this was, I held the administrator and the staff accountable. Fortunately, the director of nurses and the administrator rarely had direct contact with my father.
Instead, I developed relationships with the Certified Nurses Assistants (CNAs). They were the ones who spent time caring for my father's day-to-day needs. I learned to look beyond management's rigidity and uncooperative nature to witness the good among the CNAs who provide direct care for our loved ones.
My father's caregivers adored him and felt awful about what we called "The Great Escape."
Why do incidents go unreported?
Consider our situation.
The nursing home was the only nearby secure twenty-four-hour facility at the time. Attacking management and trying to seek restitution or other measures of disciplinary action would have likely incensed management and made things worse for my father. Remember, I wanted to resolve the situation, because I wanted my father to remain nearby. Other options included moving him to another city. Instead of making my father suffer, I chose the more difficult route, so my husband and I and our friends could visit him more frequently.
Like a good leader, I held tightly to my vision of quality care. I monitored staff performance and gave encouraging feedback. So did our friends! The staff learned from us how integral they were to our peace of mind and how much we appreciated how nicely they cared for my father.
Months later, our efforts were rewarded when we learned that management's missteps had gone too far. Eventually, new owners took over and the old management was out.
To show our appreciation, we tried doing special things for the front-line staff. The biggest was our 24-hour delivery service.
24-Hour Pizza Delivery for the Nursing Home Staff
I talked my husband into doing a 24-hour round-the-clock lunch for the care staff. We ordered pizzas and sodas and personally delivered them at lunch time for each of the three shifts. The staff during the night shift greeted us in tears. They explained they rarely see family members, let alone those that treat them to lunch past midnight!
It was a gift the staff talked about for a long time. They felt really special - especially, due to our sleepless sacrifice. To this day, I feel their reactions made our efforts worthwhile.
TIPS to prevent elder abuse while someone else cares for your loved one:
- Be present.
- Visit often - at least twice a week. If you can't, ask a friend to visit.
- Greet and talk regularly with staff members who provide care for your loved one. Make it personal. Paint a picture of your loved one's years as a vibrant and contributing member of society. This will give them a feeling for the whole person for whom they care - not just the impaired one.
- Bring in treats for the staff every now and then.
- Treat the staff with respect and express how much you appreciate the care they provide for your loved one--assuming you do! With the average hourly wage for a full-time nursing home caregiver at $11 across the US (about $22,000 a year), many are exhausted; especially, after working at another job just to support their families. A little and consistent appreciation goes a long way!
Bottom Line: Develop personal connections with the people you depend upon to provide quality care for your loved one.
